Some times I wondered if I was doing right by these kids… I know these are hard times, especially for Kauchana that gets so many mixed messages from her mother.. I have to wonder am I doing right? Are they happy? Are they ok with how things are in their life?
I know they have friends that are from full, intact families. I know they have friends that come from split families like theirs. And I can’t help but wonder what goes through their minds when they visit these friends… When they go over for a weekend and their friend can’t play because they are visiting their other parent… What goes through their mind? Do they ever wander why not them?
I asked Dokota that once. What he thought when he came home from a friend he spent the entire week waiting to play with, only to find out that friend was out of town visiting his mother… How did that make him feel? And all I got was a shrug. I honestly don’t think he understood at the time of my asking, just what I was asking…
I grew up with out my mother. Even before my parents divorced, my mom had locked herself in her own little world before I was 5. My father raised me, or I raised myself. She needed to be in her world, it kept her safe. Sometimes I wished she let me in, but I don’t think I would be the person I am today if she had.
But what hurt the worse, was when my father did everything in his power to keep my mother from me. She was out of her world. She was here, in the real world, and I wanted to be with her. My father manipulated both of us to get his way, he hurt her by hurting me, and he enjoyed it. Never had I seen his eyes sparkle with pure enjoyment as when he was hurting me, mentally, just to hurt her. He knew what he was doing, and he enjoyed it.
But for those years I was kept from my mother, were some of the hardest. That was a pain I never could get over. It is always very raw, and out there. No one should ever go through that pain. But these kids do. Only, their dad isn’t keeping them from their mother…
So I have always wondered, have I done right? Have I, in trying to keep them with their mother, done them right? I never once asked the kids to call me mom, except when talking to little Derric about me. And then we asked to please say in it, I am his mom, way… They all agreed, but then, they started to drop the “your” and “his” and just called me mom. I shrugged it off.. After all, once Jen would enter the picture again, it would go away. As it had for the past 5 years. I never grew attached to them calling me mom. Of course I defended myself when those outside the family refused to admit I am in any way a mother figure to them.. But, never have I denyed the title of Mother/Mom to their biological mother.
At the same time, I wondered if that was wise of me. I never claimed the role as mother. Their mother never claimed the role. That has left them with no one as a guide as just what a mother is. Xavier was the first to point this out to me, in a way, I wasn’t expecting it..
Even thou, I had been a mother to him, just not calling myself that, he started to introduce me as his “step-mother” which, I will admit, that is what I am… But where did that come from? That isn’t a title that is thrown around in the schools to label the female role of the house.. And then I realized, he just doesn’t know. But oh how he does. Since I was unwilling to claim an empty role, he gave me the next best title he would learn of.
And I hurt for it. He hurt for it. He does not know what a mother is. To him, a mother is a person that might call or send something on his birthday. To him, a mother isn’t a stable figure in his life, but a step-mother is. So, instead of calling me a mother, he called me a step-mother. How I gringed at that word. Now, I understand it.
Dokota… Dokota has always been one I wished to know the mind of the most. The way his thoughts are, they are so unlike any thoughts I have ever been around… I grew up in creative world. You took multiple ways to the end result, you didn’t follow a simple linure thought. It was all round abouts. I have always wondered who I am to him. Yes, he calls me mom, he introduces me as his mom. He threw a fit with Kauchana when she tried to mother him, and he said he has one mom and doesn’t need another, of course Kauchana threw out there that he does have two… All she got was a “whatever”. And even though I wasn’t in the room, and shouldn’t have been in hearing shot (still unsure how I heard that argument, I wasn’t anywhere around it….) I always wonder, how much of what he says is just to please me and his father? Or how much of it is to please Jen? I would love to know his mind…
Kauchana. How she defends her mother. Hardly knows the women she stands by so villigently… But that is Kauchana. She sees good in every person that walks down the street, and even sees the good in some of the evil that she knows are in prison. So of course she will defend her mother. I would expect nothing less of the girl. I hope she will always defend her. It would take a huge part of who she is away, the day she stops. I hope Kauchana always keeps that innocence.
But I have ventured off track. I was writing about how I wonder if I have been doing right by the kids. And I got an answer today. From Kauchana. She made me a card. A card I will charish forever.
It says ” MOM IS THE BEST!!!” on the cover. Inside is a picture of me at the school, waving bye to a bus, and in a dream cloud over a bed. The other side says ” Thank you for being everwhere for me at school at a feil trip and in my drems too! I’m I everwhere for you?” translated: Thank you for being everywhere for me, at school, at a field trip, and in my dreams too! Am I everywhere for you? and the answer is always YES! Always will she, always will they all..
| Comments have been left by: zarlyng :
